Over and Over

My virginity and you

2009-11-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

Azman, if I was given one more chance, I'll beg God to amend our destiny and our fate. I was willing to give everything up, my country, my wealth and virginity to have a chance with you.

I was wiling to make the changes, like you said I've always lived up to my promise. And yes you damn, I'll do it, but why did you leave? Recenlty, a girlfriend of me is going through tough times and I told her the same advise you gave me...

"Stop blaming yourself"

And yes, when I told her this, I remember the time when we made out real good at the dressing room in Paragon. The situation between us was so intense. It was my first time when I told myself, fuck, this is the man I wanna lose my virginity to one day.

We had so much self-control, so much respect for each other. And yes I was excited for our wedding night. I was so young and foolish and so much in love with you, Azman. I was.

Here I am browsing through old photos, old items, our friendships bands when we first started out, the football that you left at my house and after 8 years never got a chance to return it back to you, the note in the bottle you gave when you seriously wanted to marry me and the Breezer bottle we drank at Marina Barrage recently.

I kept it all. And I have no intention of disposing them, because no money is large enough to replace those memories we shared. And as I was crying for another man in bed today and how he is not exercising self-control whenever his around me, I'm even more reminded of you.

And how much self-control you had, how much respect you had. We'll stop in the heat of the moment because we are to scared of what will happen next...

You said it at the hotel room in June, that "if we ever end up together be rest assured I'm stilll virgin and clueless about how to make love to you". I want it that way, then we'll learn more of each, in and out. I can only cry, tears of joy and how proud I am of you.

And I fell more deeply in love with you. You've got so much respect and trust with me. I respect the fact you had many other ways to show me that you love me. I still remember the time when your scent still lingers in my neck after hours of making out. I still remember, it's that day you went away and changed, probably for the better.

27 June 2009. I was disraught and clueless on what to do. And then I only realise, I still love you, love you like I loved you eight years ago. I was faithful, caring, loving, a hell of a good make out partner (and so did you) and understanding. Everything you've always wanted, except for my virginity.

If I can gravely ask you today, are you still a virgin? If your answer is no, I'll go suicidal. I swear I will.

Is you

2009-11-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

Fuck, after yesterday I feel more miserable. I yearn for you even more.

If I say I don't care, means I'm lying

2009-11-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Love,

In conjuction to the email you've sent me, I know you're leading a life full with expectations from your folks, and I know that you're in no position to disappoint them, thus I respect your decision. Your decision to end this roller coaster ride, as what you called it.

However, I'm disappointed with you. This journey we went through does have it's ups and downs, we fought, we cried, we hugged and we kissed, it's a chapter in my life that I will never tend to forget/eradicate/eliminate/terminate/stop.

You've impacted me greatly, and I can assure I'll never be able to forget you.

You've made a huge scar on my vanity, my humility and on my heart. I'll never be able to forget you and to move on will be almost impossible.

The scenario is simple, I was going out with other guys after our official breakup hoping that it will keep my mind off things. Something to think about when my mind is idling at night, something to hope for in the morning, someone to shower my romantic side to but at the end of process I found out that I'm more miserable then before.

Because I miss you even more.

Making out and having a ball of time with another guy makes me feel even more miserable, even more distraught because I'll be haunted with memories of us, doing the very same things.

Especially how damn good a kisser were you, how good you were at making me laugh, and how those athletic arms of yours wrapped around me during the cold November rain, I remember everything, love, everything.

I only have one more question to ask you, do you love as much as you do like how you did eight years ago? If you do, come to Singapore and prove to it me. Yes, I made this decision, if your vain enough, so much in love then I know you'll travel the distance to prove it to me.

Prove to me that you love me.

*listening to Apocalyptica featuring Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace - I Don't Care
(when you I don't)

Over and Over you make me fall for you

2009-11-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

Three Days Grace- Over and Over

So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

---

I know I shouldn't be doing this, I should be concentrating on the more realistic things in life. I should do this and that.

However, my feelings get the best of me. I did in every sense of the way to avoid myself thinking about you, avoid myself from reminiscing those moments we shared although they were vague in my mind, the places we've visited, the places we missed going to, the time we were together.

Yes boy, those all good times.

It was this very day almost nine years ago at 08:22pm, you asked me, you asked me to be yours. And without a doubt with your abilities to love/care/understand/protect me, I said yes.

I never knew nine years later on this very day, I'm starting to yearn the very same young boy I fell in love with. The very same face. The very same person. The very same feeling I had nine years ago, I still have them.

My mind is flooded with memories, but it's no use now. Your the reason for my sleepless nights, your my strength to move on and your my weakness to hold on. My eyes are flooded with tears, because I'm crushed, crushed because of you. Crushed.

Your almost my everything.

Crushed

2009-11-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

This realm is dedicated to the one and only male human being I love. And that is you. Here I am, trying to sort out the mistakes I may have done, may have said, may have accidentally hurt you.

I'm able to sieve so many.

I wasn't a significant, understanding other half that you wanted me to be. Maybe I wasn't beautiful, caring and loving towards. I realise my mistakes now, and maybe, just maybe that's the reason your leaving me.

It's true when they say expectations is the root of all heart aches. My expectations, hopes and dreams of us being together is crushed.

Crushed because your leaving, leaving for a better girl.

However, I'll always love you, and I mean always.